How we treat others is our most basic responsibility. We are responsible for the impact we have on them: practically, emotionally and spiritually. Every day, every interaction, and even a lack of interaction if this is what we choose, has an effect. (We are all sensitive to being ignored, aren’t we?) That is exactly the footprint we have in this world.
If we take this responsibility seriously and commit ourselves to be of benefit to others in every context, we enter the very crux of spiritual life. Considering our thoughts, words, and deeds in that light leads to moral refinement. Until then, we walk through life half-blindly, bumping into each other, trying to satisfy ourselves, perhaps trying to be happy, pursuing one or another goal without much attention for others or their experience. As we blunder through life, we leave a trail of small, medium, and sometimes large hurts behind us. We leave behind us traces of disappointment; hurt; indifference; small forms of betrayal, etc., perhaps randomly mixed with some joy, support, and helpfulness. We keep affecting others all the time, and if we don’t pay attention and bring conscious positive intention, we are bound to create adverse effects.
Once it dawns on us that what really matters is not so much what we get out of life, but what others get out of their contact with us, it’s a whole different ballgame. It may seem daunting at first to take this kind of responsibility for our effects and face ourselves this way. Correcting our wrongs and overcoming hurtful habits takes considerable self-honesty and willingness to swallow our pride. It’s a challenge, but a liberating one. It’s comparable to pecking our way out of a shell. We start growing as human beings, and we start earning our wings.
There is much to learn about our effect on others, whether through direct action or plain indifference. As we start paying attention to what other people experience, to what they need and want, and trying to affect them positively, we enter a new world that provides us with plenty of information, plenty of feedback in the nuances of their feeling and being. We become more aware and more human, more flexible, more alive.
As we grow in our awareness of our impact on others, our consciousness expands, our sense of well-being improves, and our ability to discern and trust our innate sensibilities grows as well. As we take responsibility for what we are aware of, we become more skillful at addressing life.
Walking a few miles on this path, we also begin to recognize that moral action, considerate action, as well as taking responsibility for our missteps, strengthens us. There is no amount of affirmation or self-love that can make us feel wholesome, strong, and happy if we keep hurting others, or simply keep pursuing our goals while ignoring how we affect others. Our conscience knows better. Turning our attention outward and having a truly positive impact on others makes us happy and strong in ways nothing else can.
This behooves us to recognize that the same is true for everyone. This is when we become responsible not only to act in ways that make people happy and create a sense of comfort in them, but also to hold them responsible for their hurtful actions. This is a new level of challenge, but it’s important to recognize that even though holding people responsible may upset them in the moment, it is their chance to change, and to stop creating pain for others as well as themselves. In the long run it’s important for them to take responsibility for how they affect others too, for without that, they cannot have true peace. Taking this risk is paramount, because moral living is the only way people can be truly happy.
A Real Story
Carolyn: “When I was younger, I had a summer job working at a nursing home, serving food to residents in the dining room. I worked with a few other young women on the Food Service Team. Sarah was one of them, and she was very bossy. She had a bad habit of making decisions for the team without consulting anyone. That really upset me every time it happened, but I wouldn’t tell her. I was extremely shy, and very reluctant to tell anyone the truth if they hurt my feelings. But finally one day it happened again, and I erupted: “Sarah! You need to ask EVERYONE what the best thing to do is. Will you please stop?!?!!!!!” Shocked at myself for telling her the unmitigated truth in that moment, I was sure I was about to be killed. What happened next changed me forever. Sarah completely softened and apologized to me. “I am SO sorry. How can we find a good solution right now?” After that, we became friends and worked very harmoniously together.”
A life of avoidance of this basic responsibility hurts us all. We are so fundamentally intertwined with each other, and we are so fundamentally sensitive to our own immorality, that we cannot ever truly be happy while we are hurting others. And therefore, helping each other rise to the moral standard of being a positive contribution to each others’ lives is one of the best things we can do for one another. We would all grow so much faster, if people in our lives would take the risk to tell us if we’re hurting their feelings.
Spiritual life is not for the faint of heart. And for that matter, neither is life on planet Earth. Look around. Can you imagine what life would be like if we all took responsibility for how we affect each other? It’s never too late. Even if our personal efforts may not translate into world peace within our lifetime, they create inner peace, and an island of peace for those around us—a worthwhile contribution, a truly positive footprint.